Re: My Storywriting
Hey Dax,
I wanted to start by saying thank you for inviting us into this world you’ve created. I feel very privileged that you’ve shared your creation with us. As a newer member of the fleet I thought I was in a useful position to provide feedback. I’m new enough to not have fallen sway to what I’m sure are your copious charms so that you can trust my comments are not the gushing ego stroking of an inauthentic sycophant and, since I am so new, if you hate what I have to say you can temporarily redirect your writing talents to penning a dissertation on why I should be exiled from the fleet. Either way you’re covered. While I know the road to hell can often be paved with good intentions, I hope you will find my well meaning comments useful rather than seeing them as the overly critical ravings of a mad man on the internet. (Feedback is a two way street, so feel free to offer suggestions or criticisms about how I might be more useful to you.)
My overall impression is that there is really a lot of interesting things going on. I especially enjoy the psychological issues you play with throughout your story. The battle with Braydon of Borg on stardate 86921.17 was reminiscent of, but also a unique take on, Acting Captain Riker’s challenge facing Locutus in the Best of Both Worlds. As those are my favorite episodes of all time, for precisely the themes you are working with, I hope you will take that as the highest possible praise I know how to give.
You raise several very interesting issues on Stardate 84780.83. The first is the confrontation between Braydon, Michael and Captain Ramosa. I feel like this section is just a bit out of character for Michael. From what we know of Starfleet regulations, the counselor has the same level of authority as the chief medical officer when it comes to the mental health of the crew, that is, they supersede the captain’s. I would have expected that Michael would rely on his authority not only because it would be consistent with what we know of Starfleet regulations, but also because on stardate 86921.17 we see Michael default to his position of authority as a Borg expert to cow Captain Cruz so it would be internally consistent with the narrative and character as well.
The second issue you raise is Michael’s series of thoughts on the way to sickbay. As a victim of a violent act it is sadly unsurprising that he would have these victim blaming thoughts, “what did I do wrong”, “did I deserve it” and so on. However, Michael is also trained as a psychologist, so on an intellectual level he should be aware that these thoughts are inappropriate and potentially harmful. I would have absolutely loved to see you explore the inner conflict there, would the inner therapist win out, or would those tactics seem hollow, how would he grow professionally from this experience? Though I recognize that this is your work and not a choose your own adventure specifically tailored to me, I still would be eager to see that section expanded on, even if it were just in a conversation here on the forum.
While on the subject of Michael’s character, I really would have enjoyed seeing you expand on his issue remembering people’s names. That seems like a uniquely challenging issue for a therapist, let alone a therapist turned captain. It seems to be introduced only to be left by the way side. For instance, he has trouble remembering the names of junior officers that serve as his bridge crew, but he knows the names of the captains of the Crazystone and Denver? I also struggled with it a bit in light of the fact he seems to form such close, even intimate, attachments with senior staff.
The final thing I would like to note is that Michael has a very informal relationship with the captain. This may be something you’ve already covered as you’ve continued to write so it may be nothing, but if you haven’t I think it might be worth exploring how they became so close.
Well, that’s it. I don’t want to overwhelm you with comments, but I did want to demonstrate respect for your efforts by giving them the time and thought they deserve. I hope you found my thoughts useful, but I am aware that I am giving free advice, which is all too often worth what you paid for it. Keep up the good work, and I look forward to reading and discussing anything else you might wish to share.
Casseus
I wanted to start by saying thank you for inviting us into this world you’ve created. I feel very privileged that you’ve shared your creation with us. As a newer member of the fleet I thought I was in a useful position to provide feedback. I’m new enough to not have fallen sway to what I’m sure are your copious charms so that you can trust my comments are not the gushing ego stroking of an inauthentic sycophant and, since I am so new, if you hate what I have to say you can temporarily redirect your writing talents to penning a dissertation on why I should be exiled from the fleet. Either way you’re covered. While I know the road to hell can often be paved with good intentions, I hope you will find my well meaning comments useful rather than seeing them as the overly critical ravings of a mad man on the internet. (Feedback is a two way street, so feel free to offer suggestions or criticisms about how I might be more useful to you.)
My overall impression is that there is really a lot of interesting things going on. I especially enjoy the psychological issues you play with throughout your story. The battle with Braydon of Borg on stardate 86921.17 was reminiscent of, but also a unique take on, Acting Captain Riker’s challenge facing Locutus in the Best of Both Worlds. As those are my favorite episodes of all time, for precisely the themes you are working with, I hope you will take that as the highest possible praise I know how to give.
You raise several very interesting issues on Stardate 84780.83. The first is the confrontation between Braydon, Michael and Captain Ramosa. I feel like this section is just a bit out of character for Michael. From what we know of Starfleet regulations, the counselor has the same level of authority as the chief medical officer when it comes to the mental health of the crew, that is, they supersede the captain’s. I would have expected that Michael would rely on his authority not only because it would be consistent with what we know of Starfleet regulations, but also because on stardate 86921.17 we see Michael default to his position of authority as a Borg expert to cow Captain Cruz so it would be internally consistent with the narrative and character as well.
The second issue you raise is Michael’s series of thoughts on the way to sickbay. As a victim of a violent act it is sadly unsurprising that he would have these victim blaming thoughts, “what did I do wrong”, “did I deserve it” and so on. However, Michael is also trained as a psychologist, so on an intellectual level he should be aware that these thoughts are inappropriate and potentially harmful. I would have absolutely loved to see you explore the inner conflict there, would the inner therapist win out, or would those tactics seem hollow, how would he grow professionally from this experience? Though I recognize that this is your work and not a choose your own adventure specifically tailored to me, I still would be eager to see that section expanded on, even if it were just in a conversation here on the forum.
While on the subject of Michael’s character, I really would have enjoyed seeing you expand on his issue remembering people’s names. That seems like a uniquely challenging issue for a therapist, let alone a therapist turned captain. It seems to be introduced only to be left by the way side. For instance, he has trouble remembering the names of junior officers that serve as his bridge crew, but he knows the names of the captains of the Crazystone and Denver? I also struggled with it a bit in light of the fact he seems to form such close, even intimate, attachments with senior staff.
The final thing I would like to note is that Michael has a very informal relationship with the captain. This may be something you’ve already covered as you’ve continued to write so it may be nothing, but if you haven’t I think it might be worth exploring how they became so close.
Well, that’s it. I don’t want to overwhelm you with comments, but I did want to demonstrate respect for your efforts by giving them the time and thought they deserve. I hope you found my thoughts useful, but I am aware that I am giving free advice, which is all too often worth what you paid for it. Keep up the good work, and I look forward to reading and discussing anything else you might wish to share.
Casseus
