The Best of the Worst: A Mission Review Contest! (Read: Prize!!!)

Adrien Camus Ratty

Paladia

The Best of the Worst: A Mission Review Contest! (Read: Prize!!!)

April 10 2015
To commemorate my glorious return to STO and everyone replaying storyline missions with their Delta Recruit alts, I've decided to hold a contest for all my lovely fleeties. Everyone is eligible to enter and there will be a PRIZE!!!!*

NOTE: This little contest is in no way created or endorsed by Stonewall Fleet.

Here's my challenge:

Everyone has that one (or more than one!) mission they just hate running. Pick a mission you absolutely HATE. Then, write a review of it as if it is the best mission in the game. Talk it up! Tell us all what's so "great" about it. Post it here for us all to marvel at. The funniest review (as selected by yours truly) will win a PRIZE!!!!*

You have until April 30 to post here, because that's my 30th birthday. 30 ON 30, WHAT. I'll pick a winner then while getting progressively more drunk and lamenting my lost youth. You can enter as many times as you want.

*This prize is not guaranteed to be good. It is also not guaranteed to not be good. But you will get at least one thing in the game itself. Perhaps I will send you a box of goodies in the mail if you don't mind sending me your address and/or postage isn't going to kill me. I could pull a Bilbo Baggins and give everyone a prize just for showing up. WHO KNOWS? But it will be wonderful.
10 people liked this
Ben

Gravity

The Best of the Worst: A Mission Review Contest! (Read: Prize!!!)

April 10 2015
Haha this seems almost tempting. I sense that two missions in particular would be the focus of this competition and I think we all know which two.
Sej @Ereiid

Ereiid

The Best of the Worst: A Mission Review Contest! (Read: Prize!!!)

April 10 2015
I imagine Foundry missions are off the table. Because maybe that would be just a little too shady.
Dave (Voleron)

Voleron

The Best of the Worst: A Mission Review Contest! (Read: Prize!!!)

April 10 2015
I would say 'yes' out of respect for the authors who work hard on their missions. Cryptic on the other hand, has broad shoulders and can take a little bit of playful criticism ;)
2 people liked this
Adrien Camus Ratty

Paladia

The Best of the Worst: A Mission Review Contest! (Read: Prize!!!)

April 10 2015
Foundry missions are off the table for three reasons:

1. Cryptic's developers are professionals who have gotten paid for making these missions. As Voleron said, they can take a bit of roasting. Foundry authors are, by and large, NOT pro developers who have created something purely as a labor of love. It's mean spirited to go after them.

2. Additionally, a lot of missions are loathed due to technical issues or bugs, some of which have existed for YEARS. A foundry author can do nothing about a game-stopping bug, but Cryptic has that power whether or not they exercise it.

3. Pretty much everyone here has played every storyline mission multiple times. I've played a handful of foundry missions, but not all. To keep these 'reviews' entertaining for all members, let's keep them focused on the main story arcs.


Reminder: I'm looking for these reviews to be FUNNY and WITTY and not MEAN, especially as your challenge is to write a positive review of the mission. Sarcasm is encouraged. Cattiness is not, and catty entries will not receive a pizza roll.
5 people liked this
Shawn Birch

Parker

The Best of the Worst: A Mission Review Contest! (Read: Prize!!!)

April 11 2015
This. Just. Made. My. Day.!


No whether or not I actually participate is another story entirely!!!


Much love to the Clonesies!!!!
Alex

alex284

The Best of the Worst: A Mission Review Contest! (Read: Prize!!!)

April 11 2015
Did you buy a calculator to play STO, but just haven't found the right moment to whip it out? Do you find the game mechanics behind running and walking enthralling? Do you think it's too bright in here?

Then Coliseum is the mission for you. This fast-paced mission doesn't stop throwing curve-balls as Cryptic elegantly eschews traditional Western story-telling conventions like "telling you what's going on," "being interesting," and "making sense."

The mission opens with an fast-paced flurry of grade-school arithmetic. What's 2472 times 8543? Solve the problems to get the codes needed to save your ship, because someone ingeniously designed an encryption system that tells users how to hack it.

While you're calming down from the excitement of math, you'll be teleported into a coliseum where you'll have to fight in a barren arena. Before entering the arena, though, Cryptic adds another twist: you can't use those boring energy weapons or kit powers that were forced upon you in previous missions. No, it's melee combat against random animals who have no reason to fight you... or to be there at all, really.

The excitement is only increased by the lack of audience in this coliseum, the dreary decor, the music from TOS's "Amok Time" on an endless loop, and the Reman doing nothing while creepily staring at you. What mischief is your unknown jailer up to that actually requires you to fight animals in an arena? Well, you'll just have to play to find out. (*Spoiler alert* You never find out.)

The mission then takes an even more exciting turn, so players with heart conditions should be warned before playing it: you now get to pick polite responses in a breath-taking conversation with the Reman in the next cell (Slamek). Remember to pretend he actually fought in the arena; this little white lie adds to the mission's counter-cultural subtext.

Now it's back to the arena to kill monsters you already saw during the Nimbus story arc. Interestingly, you actually have to use the coliseum's own defenses against them, and their controls are conveniently located in the arena itself. Since apparently no one is going to prevent you from doing so, press F to destroy the brilliantly drawn and absolutely horrifying giant worm.

After escaping with all the other prisoners (*spoiler alert* the only other prisoner is Slamek) through a door whose controls are also conveniently located in the arena, you enter a room surrounded by sewage and chock-full of computer screens that will give you enormous blocks of text to read. You could spend hours here enraptured in back-story, but you must quickly escape the... uh, the coliseum aliens?

This is where "Coliseum" hits its groove. You're running across an enormous map with obstacles that redefine the word "fun": hide from a passing aircraft among some rocks that don't actually cover you, find herbs for Slamek because he's tired after running for 2 minutes, and collect firewood because Slamek sure as hell isn't going to help you. But mostly just enjoy the scenery; you're going to be staring at it for a while as you run across this enormous map.

Cryptic has one more trick up its sleeve at the end of Coliseum, as one of the many, many characters you interacted with in the mission betrays you. I won't tell you which, but you're in for a surprise.

Math, melee, manners, and a massive map - Cryptic shows that it still knows how to keep players on the edge of their seats.
13 people liked this
Liam

williamjaneway

The Best of the Worst: A Mission Review Contest! (Read: Prize!!!)

April 11 2015
I hear you'd like to team up to play Coliseum, ;)
Alex

alex284

The Best of the Worst: A Mission Review Contest! (Read: Prize!!!)

April 11 2015
to be honest I don't think it's the worst. That would have to be one of the forgettable missions in the first part of the cardassian or klingon story arcs. But Coliseum is more fun to hate.
Adrien Camus Ratty

Paladia

The Best of the Worst: A Mission Review Contest! (Read: Prize!!!)

April 11 2015
This review was a thing of beauty. I no longer tire of this life.

Keep 'em coming, folks!
Dave (Voleron)

Voleron

The Best of the Worst: A Mission Review Contest! (Read: Prize!!!)

April 11 2015
The following tags have been nested in the wrong order: size
The following tags have no closing tag: hr

MISSION REVIEW
STRANDED IN SPACE


An Admiral's personal reflection his first official mission, which started his career.

Voleron's personal log, stardate 86998.62. Not two days out of Starfleet Academy, I'd already been promoted and awarded my late Captain's command. My stellar performance in successfully manoeuvring the pride of the fleet (the U.S.S. Miranda-Z) out of dry dock, obviously left a lasting impression on Admiral Quinn, who must have been properly astonished by my mad skillz as he undoubtedly watched on from Earth Space Dock with pride. No doubt, the celebrated departure of our ship on this all-important cadet training cruise to Vulcan, was observed by Starfleet brass, diplomats and foreign dignitaries alike. Obviously, my superior ability did not go unnoticed, as we navigated gracefully out of the Sol system, like a leaf on the wind, without so much as scratching the paint on the hull.

My lasting impression, left for the consideration of Captains and Admirals alike, obviously played a part in my quick ascent of the command chain. Soon after I allowed my Captain to be captured and murdered by the Klingons, I'd found myself relying on that initial awe-inspiring impression with the Admiralty, to thrust me into permanent command of the ship without so much as an inquiry. My greatness was known, and my career path set!

My first assignment as master of my vessel was to respond to a distress call from the S.S. Azura, which was believed to have come under heavy enemy attack. As we completed our pre-departure checklist outside of the Sol System, I noticed literally hundreds of battleships and heavily armed escort class vessels in range of the distress call, and I took a certain pride in knowing that Starfleet had selected ME, out of all of the seasoned commanders within range, to respond to this unknown threat in a 129 year old ship. This was just additional confirmation of my greatness and of the confidence that my commanders had of my abilities. This was the beginning of my path to joining the highest ranks of the Admiralty, a short five weeks later.

Not soon after arriving at the Azura's last known coordinates, we found ourselves under attack by a superior Orion force. Luckily, my many minutes of spacebar mashing training at the academy paid off, and we were easily able to destroy multiple attacking ships with only two phaser beam arrays, even with our weapon systems set to half power. It wasn't until some time after this mission that we even realized that we could re-allocate power to different ship systems, so needless to say, we were quite pleased with our decisive victory in the face of what one would have thought to be overwhelming odds.

I decided that we should board the Azura, in order to save as many crew from the distressed ship as possible. I stepped onto the transporter pad with a full away team but found myself the only one to re-materialize on the ill-fated freighter. My tricorder could see that the members of my away team were alive somewhere in the distance, but no matter how far I ran on the ship in any direction, it seemed as though they were becoming more and more distant, as though I was in some sort of hellish fun house at a carnival. Although panic initially began to set in at the thought of rescuing the entire freighter crew while fending off crowds of adversaries by myself, I soon realized that this must be a further test of my combat prowess, possibly ordered as far up the chain as Admiral Quinn himself. He probably wanted to make sure that I was a Lieutenant (Junior Grade) of many talents, and not just a good drydock departure pilot.

Committed to proving myself worthy of the Admiral's faith, I Leroy Jenkinsed my way through the rooms and corridors of the ship on my own, with nothing but a Mark nothing hand phaser. Apparently I also had a phaser rifle strapped to my back, but didn't realize until after the mission that regulations allowed me to alternate between the two weapons during combat, or that it was even there to begin with.

I encountered several groups of Orions just standing around in various parts of the ship, seemingly unphased by the critical condition of the warp core or the gravity of the looming disaster. It was as though they were completely entranced until I stepped within a few paces of them, and I can only assume that they'd interrupted their boarding operation to allow for some sort of afternoon prayer or solemn, silent reflection. Of course, I capitalized on their hesitation by murdering them all where they stood, rather than engage in tedious negotiations as per my Starfleet training.

I gallantly fought my way to the engine room where I found Captain Blott. She wanted me to stabilize the warp core, but having only attended classes on tactics during my entire four years at the Academy, I knew there was nothing at all that I could do. Once I realized that the situation was hopeless, I decided to make a break for it, back to the transporter room and get the hella off that ship. I saw several of the injured freighter crew laying on the ground and calling out for help, but I ignored their pleas and sped past them, knowing that without the benefit of any science training, there was little I could do for them... not even carry them back to the transporter pad or anything. Since my first aid training had also expired, I recognized that rendering any sort of assistance could have placed myself and Starfleet in a precarious position and may well have exposed the organization to civil litigation, so I further demonstrated my command decisiveness by committing to leave them to die in the looming explosion, a decision for which I was later praised by the legal department.

Ultimately, I happened to rescue two able-bodied crew members who must've followed me from engineering and got caught in my transporter beam as I rushed to beam back to the ship. I was kind of surprised to find them on the transporter pad with me when I beamed back, but rescuing people without ever knowing it is the mark of an excellent officer in the making.

One easily won space battle later, and my first mission as acting Captain was complete, paving my way to the Admiralty! As a reward for my efforts, I received a new set of energy resistant body armour, tailor made to my endowments by Admiral Quinn's personal tailor in Milan, as well as a monogrammed pen and pencil set!

I look back upon my first mission with pride and encourage all new Captains to seek out similar challenges that will help to shape their character as they freshly emerge out of Academy training. Five stars!
8 people liked this
Edited April 12 2015 by Voleron
Adrien Camus Ratty

Paladia

The Best of the Worst: A Mission Review Contest! (Read: Prize!!!)

April 11 2015
I spit coffee out my nose on that one. I imagined the entire story in Wesley Crusher's voice.
2 people liked this
Whittier Strong

SiranNataan

The Best of the Worst: A Mission Review Contest! (Read: Prize!!!)

April 12 2015
The [strike]Freighter[/strike] House Always Wins


You are the captain of the freighter Sirol, importing 50,000 wrappages of mulberries for the great Klingon vintner K'Vetch. He has crafted the perfect blend for blood wine, and it's up to you to get him his berries before his vintage turns to vinegar!

A typical shipment? No! Danger is afoot, in the form of some kind of political intrigue that's really hard to follow and doesn't particularly interest you. But the Klingon Defense Force has sent Birds-of-Prey to Gorath, just as you arrive to drop off your shipment. Disruptor beams fly as you seek safe passage through Gorath space. Will you escape? Most likely! And without firing a single shot! But you've made this run dozens of times and have never encountered any difficulties; maybe it'll be different this time...? Who knows!

And, coming in March 2023, all-new repairs to "The House Always Wins"! One leak indicates that you can ram your freighter straight into the planet!
7 people liked this
Adrien Camus Ratty

Paladia

The Best of the Worst: A Mission Review Contest! (Read: Prize!!!)

April 13 2015
These are amazing! Keep 'em coming!
Adrien Camus Ratty

Paladia

The Best of the Worst: A Mission Review Contest! (Read: Prize!!!)

April 13 2015
I was going to wait until after the contest, but I just can't keep this to myself. For your enjoyment.... a word from our sponsor.

Night after night of restless tossing and turning. Day after day of feeling lethargic and unrested. You've tried warm milk, counting sheep, and even Ambien. Luckily, help is here in the form of a STO mission guaranteed to send you on an express transport to Dreamland: Of Bajor!

Of Bajor is the only STO mission proven to help players fall asleep and stay asleep. After Captain Kurland manages to lose DS9 to a confused troop of Dominion throwbacks who couldn't bother to ask for the stardate, you are ordered to beam down to a vacation resort on Bajor by an officer who is, by now, your subordinate in rank. There won't be any shore leave for you, Admiral, as the Bajorans are thoroughly incapable of handling their affairs without your hand-holding guidance. In fact, there's so much busywork for you to do you must run this mission multiple times to clean up every mess they make. I'm sure you're yawning already!

After completing a few chores, you can move on to run holodeck simulations to practice fighting all enemies you've encountered since the beginning of the Cardassian Struggle arc. The struggle certainly is real, but we're talking about you and not the Spoonheads. Next, try having a calm political discussion with an enraged Bajoran street preacher! I bet you feel like you're posting on Reddit already. If you're feeling like getting some old time religion, go chill out and pray in the Temple. Scientific sorts can run high school earth science experiments. It's like DS9 isn't overrun with Jem'Hadar turning their place into a high-volume Ketracel lab!

Your final task is to contact someone on the station that isn't busy cookin' up some White. After getting in touch with Not!Quark, you are treated to an unskippable cutscene in which Kurland is definitely here. Hopefully, by this point, you've gone sleepy-bye a long time ago.

Side effects of this mission include 'crying', 'complaining in fleet chat', 'shattered friendships' and 'thinking too hard'. If you find yourself wondering “Why does Starfleet send an Admiral to report to a chipper Lieutenant who wants them to repair Bajor's microwaves?” or “Why would a Klingon with ANY self-respect run errands for a Federation petaQ?” or even “Why the hell do the Romulans even give half a crap, especially after In The Pale Moonlight?” please contact your doctor right away.

Bajor may be for Bajorans, and they can keep it after this slog. Your bed is for you, Admiral. After all this nonsense, you've earned it. Sweet dreams!
7 people liked this

Frozenlily

The Best of the Worst: A Mission Review Contest! (Read: Prize!!!)

April 13 2015
Diplomatic Orders


From the big screen to your home comes an epic fail of a young Lieutenant whose aspiring to become an Admiral and his faithful crew! Little did he know that there was a dark secret about this mission that will become an eye opener!

You begin your journey when you get a lovely message from Fleet Admiral Quinn. He tells you to head off to Vulcan where the emotionless people will tell you, "you free to land" when You land you discover that you should not have warn your heels because you will be mountain climbing for this Diplomat. Once you get up the mountain he will tell you that he can't leave then it is up to you to save they day! So you go to a Vulcan that clearly knows better than you and you end up leaving with the diplomat.

Once you get in your shuttle its a shaky ride out for no reason because there is no wind at all, just your horrible driving. When you end up asking the other guy to drive you go over to the diplomat and you learn he has such an annoying voice. Nothing at all is fishy about this situation and you go on your Mary way to P'Jem.

Once you enter the system you get stopped by some Klingons. Following the footsteps of a legend taught at the academy you don't listen and you shoot to kill! Why do you not have to listen to your elders? that is beyond this narrator! So after you kill the Klingons in space and then go to the surface and kill the Klingons there and you don't even care about the Vulcans you just charge on through till you reach the monetary. Then the diplomat's aid calls you and is like "yo I was walking in my garden then I found the real diplomat. Yo beta watch out." The he transforms and is all like "muahahah I'm an undine and Im going to play dress up as a Klingon! They don't know their ship is destroyed" so after the fight then you run down killing more Klingons you decide to beam up all deceived.

When you beam up you find yourself fighting a MASSIVE Tethys Bio Deadnaugt!! Little does the Undine know that your little Miranda/NX/Orberth has the power to survive for 20 seconds for "real captains" to arrive. Once you survive and they clean up the mess you made for your failure to see the truth you go home and tell Quinn all about it.

So if you like drama, suspense, Vulcans and Undines playing dress up then This is the mission for you!!
5 people liked this
Adrien Camus Ratty

Paladia

The Best of the Worst: A Mission Review Contest! (Read: Prize!!!)

April 27 2015
REMINDER: You have until THURSDAY to write your reviews!

Then I will pick a winner(s). And those people will get AwEsOmE pRiZeS.
Unknown Person liked this
Jody Rich

coffeethrall

Boldly They Rode: Kurland Here. This is Kurland.

April 28 2015
Boldly They Rode


A familiar voice of command assured me, “Now that we have the aid of one of the Founders, we should have no trouble convincing the Jem’Hadar at Deep Space 9 to stand down and return to the Gamma Quadrant.” I wanted to believe her, despite the fact that Kar’ukan had basically told a Founder to go to Gre’thor recently.

Approaching DS9 in my Klingon Battlecruiser, I beamed aboard a Jem’Hadar ship for no apparent reason and received a pat on the head from the Vorta, Eraun, who told me I had “performed adequately so far.” My Klingon heart swelled with pride at such high praise from such a respected individual, so I refrained from disemboweling the sycophantic petaQ on the spot, and I merely said “Let’s get on with this mission.”

Eraun reminded me that I was just there as a courtesy, and urged me to try not to get in the way. As a proud Klingon warrior, I simply nodded at that and said, “I expect a swift resolution.” It seemed natural, for some reason. Still, I couldn’t help but wonder what his hide might feel like as a seat cushion for my helm officer, who has recently complained about her accomodations.

At that point, the Founder said something which my Universal Translator rendered as “Nagging Intensifies” before Eraun asked me to operate their communications console. I had no idea how to read Jem’Hadar, so I just hit buttons until Loriss appeared onscreen. Good thing I didn’t hit self-destruct by accident! Why would Eraun think I have any clue how to work his ship?

Loriss tried halfheartedly to talk the obviously crazy Jem’Hadar out of occupying DS9, but she proved that her diplomacy training began and ended with “I am Vorta, obey.” Again, Kar’ukan told the Dominion where it could shove it. Luckily, the Federation’s Kurland was on the scene.

[Kurland Here]

Kurland began with a joke, a way to break the tension. “Don’t tell me…there’s a problem.”
Oh, Kurland.
I told him that as a trained Klingon warrior, I was prepared to spacewalk along DS9’s hull, but…space gets so, so lonely. I asked if he would stay with me, keep talking to me.

Of course he would. “Kurland here.” “This is Kurland.” “Kurland here, come in.”

Yes. There is only Kurland. I understand now.
There is only Kurland.
No! We have to rescue Deep Space…Kurland.
Kurland here. Come in.
This is Kurland.
There is only Kurland now.
Only Kurland.
Only Kurland.
Kurland here.
10 people liked this
Edited April 28 2015 by coffeethrall
Mark H

RasterPup

Boldly They Rode: Kurland Here. This is Kurland.

April 28 2015
Quote by coffeethrall
There is only Kurland now.
Only Kurland.

SCUSE ME BRB DYING
2 people liked this
Adrien Camus Ratty

Paladia

The Best of the Worst: A Mission Review Contest! (Read: Prize!!!)

May 01 2015
**WINNER WILL BE ANNOUNCED SHORTLY**
Unknown Person liked this